Help Wanted: Editor (Snark Alert!)

This was inspired by an employment notice in Publisher's Weekly.

Here's my interpretation of the requirements. Any editors out there tell me I'm wrong -- with a straight face.

Performs all editorial functions including reading and evaluating proposals and manuscripts, providing revisions to authors and line editing. Oversees copy editing and author approval/alterations.

------ You get to read slush and fight with authors.

Manages and develops their respective author base to elicit the highest quality of writing and to ensure correct editorial fit for the publishing strategy. Maintains positive relationships with agents and monitors payments to authors.

------ You pick the best of the slush, edit your guts out, and get to argue with authors AND their agents who don't like what you did to their precious flowers. Blame accounting when the check's late.

Provides editorial input into packaging design in order to ensure key selling features are reflected in the product package.

------ Get the covers wrong.

Proactively recognizes needs, opportunities and trends that will benefit the imprint.

------ The company first, protect your thankless job, it's all that's between you and asking someone if they want to super-size that number five combo meal.

Recommends titles, writes back cover copy and creates ancillary materials for the various support departments.

------ Attempt to read the mind of the author, get it wrong, put it through anyway because there's 50 other authors telling you you got theirs wrong too and didn't you used to have a life?

Works closely with the Managing Editorial team to ensure timely and seamless delivery of book components.

------ Get bitched out when the authors fail to meet the deadline.

Regular liaison with the production department, marketing department, public relations; Direct-To-Consumer; Digital.

------ Get bitched out, but smile and shift blame on the authors.

Provides strong support of the Senior Editor and Executive Editor in their strategic management of the program.

------ They sign your check. You will have their back. The authors are the frenemy in this symbiotic hell hole.

Represents the program/company at both internal and external conferences and with the media.

------ Get paid to suck tax deductible chocolate martinis while kvetching about authors.

Qualifications, Skills and Competencies:

Undergraduate degree.

------ In what? Engineering? Pottery? Bowling?

3 to 5 years progressive publishing experience including marketing and editorial focus.

------ You worked in a bookstore during summer break and bitched to other employees about the crappy offerings on the bestseller list you had to pimp.

2 or more years of author acquisition experience a must.

------ You survived that long reading slush without going too insane, but the red-eyed thousand yard stare is there forever.

Strong communication, planning and organizational skills, and deadline-oriented.

------ Coffee addict.

Effective time management skills.

------ Coffee addict with a Smartphone.

Experience with onscreen electronic editing.

------ You can sort of work with MS Word, even when they keep "improving" it.

Social Media and Digital experience a definite asset.

------ What you're doing now instead of working.

Capacity to build trust/teamwork/collaboration.

------ Bring donuts in the morning.

Sharp negotiation skills.

------ The red-eyed thousand yard stare works here.