How NOT to Write Dialog

I found this in a self-pub book, and let me preface with the fact that it's perfectly FINE to self-pub. But it's also A REAL GOOD IDEA TO GET FEEDBACK before you go stampeding to Kindle and other venues. Had the writer done so, then perhaps someone might have pointed out -- well, you'll see it.

I filed off the serial numbers and left out the actual conversation. What I left in were the author's speaker attributions. There are only two speakers here, yet every line has attribution.

“Opening dialog to an indie book?” Young Protag whined to her parent.

“Reply to dialog,” Parent stated.

“Dialog” Protag complained. “More dialog.”

“Dialog,” Parent explained.

“Dialog,” Protag grumbled.

“Dialog,” Parent reminded her. "More dialog."

“Dialog,” Protag asked.

“Dialog,” Parent reiterated. "Dialog," asserted. "Dialog."

“Dialog?” Protag asked.

“Dialog,” Parent responded.

“Dialog,” Protag said, nonchalantly.

Dear Aspiring Author,

Don't do this. Seriously. Just . . . don't.