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Writing FAQ 

 

 

 

 

A certain "Agent B" is suing a bunch of good people for telling the truth about her business practices. 

Details here: http://p-n-elrod.livejournal.com/23100.html#comments

Here's how I think the trial should go....

 

 

 

 

The Trial of Agent B

A Comedy by P.N. Elrod

 

(cue theme song to Perry Mason)

 

 

 

 

I'm Agent B and I'm suing the crap out of everyone who has ever offended me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Agent B, the court is ready to hear your case, but one of the defendants is not here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That will be Miss Snark, your honor.  She is a sneaky competitor of mine.  She is jealous of my success and unjustly enriches herself at my expense! 

She hides behind that silly First Amendment as an excuse for "privacy!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before this case may proceed you must produce the defendant named "Miss Snark."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      Is Miss Snark in the courtroom?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I KNOW she's in the court, your honor.

She won't come out unless YOU order it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miss Snark, you are ordered to declare yourself.

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  Miss Snark!  You are ordered to--

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  I'm Miss Snark--I mean--I LOVE Miss Snark!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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 Your Honor, I am Alan Shore and

 that man is not Miss Snark.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   No, Denny, delightful as you are,

   you are not Miss Snark.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   A-hem!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      All of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

     That's ridiculous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trust me, your honor, it can become far, far more so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

We've been through a lot together and--

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

     Case DISMISSED!

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

      I bloody well can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'LL SUE! 

I'LL SUE YOU AND THE NEW JERSEY JUSTICE SYSTEM FOR  A BILLION DOLLARS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

   Shut your pie hole, you silly cow.

  Case DISMISSED.

 

 

 

 

 

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Naff off, y'bloody Canadian.

 

 

 

 

 

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**  THUD.  **

 

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   Now what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your honor, I regret to inform the court that Agent B seems to have been overcome by her hissy fit and imploded.

Not to worry, I've called 911.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Agent B slowly wakes up)

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Agent B, you're here so we can figure out just what the fuck is wrong with you.

It could take years, we've never seen a specimen quite like you before.

So just lie back an make nice friends with Mr. Thorazine, hmmmm?

 

 

 

The End

 

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Copyright 2007 by P.N. Elrod